Well, so much for that blog idea...

Typical!

After finally settling on a direction for my first foray into blogging, everything has changed again. Not that I can complain - I have reached the goal I set out to obtain. But it does mean that I will need to rethink my blog again.

When I look at the date on my last entry I can hardly believe that so much has changed in so little time.

Firstly, I made my first real push in trying to break into the job market. I discovered that SWE was holding a regional conference within driving distance from my home. Initially, I went for the career fair (which turned out to be smaller and more collegiate focused than I'd hoped), but ended up getting much more than I'd expected from the experience.

One of the hardest parts about being a stay-at -home Mom, is maintaining the ability to simply meet and talk to others in a meaningful and adult way. Especially, since I moved away after the birth and became increasingly isolated - my confidence was low, it was difficult to focus on a conversation thread with a toddler constantly demanding my attention and I got into the habit of 'baby talk' (even now I use the "potty" instead of the "restroom"!) Standing there, amongst all these strangers at the conference, was a daunting experience. My mouth felt dry as I clung onto my drink and nervously shuffled by groups of people, hoping to make a connection, start a conversation and ease into the social event. I felt very exposed and vulnerable, dressed up in my Sunday best, eager to please, hopeful. And painfully aware of my own desperation. How I hoped that wasn't so obvious to everyone else.

After making a little progress, I finally flopped down in a chair and poured out my feeling to the lady sitting next to me. I struck gold. She was a sweet angel. And, as it turned out, very well connected in SWE. She felt my pain and made it a project of hers, to introduce me to everyone she knew there. I left the conference two days later, still jobless, but with a bunch of contacts and a new found respect for my gender. I feel truly honored to have spent time with such an inspiring bunch of women.

At first, I felt extremely positive. I'd made a couple of contacts at the career fair and for the first time, I had real email addresses to send my resume to, instead of anonymous company web forms. But as the job leads fizzled, so did my new-found optimism. I hit rock-bottom and spent a sleepless night, torturing myself with thoughts of never finding work; berating myself for my inability to turn the SWE event into anything more. The following day I received an interview request in my inbox.

Today marks the end of my third week in my new job. I am exhausted, happy, nervous, hopeful and content.

And in need of a new topic for my blog!

A little about me....

It's not the first time I have been here.

Back after I emigrated from the UK to the US I was faced with the seemingly impossible task of finding work. The area I moved to was probably one of the first hit by the weakening economy and I spent several disheartening months filling out online profiles and sending off my resume over and over again, without the slightest response. Of course, I know now that I was going about things the wrong way, but it was my first foray into the job market on either side of the Atlantic.

Eventually, I gave up trying to achieve something I couldn't do and started focusing on something I could. I went back to school. One semester in, I got a co-op. Then an internship. I never made it back to my studies.

I guess I just had to get my foot in the door. Not just to prove to some hiring manager that I was capable, but also to prove that to myself. Several months is a long time to spend on the outside and it can knock the wind out of your confidence. Now I know that I can.

Two and a half years of blissful productivity. Co-workers asking me why I was so irritating cheerful for someone at work. The answer was always easy. "Because I have a job" I would smile and say. My enthusiasm for my job would show up in my work. I developed skills I wasn't sure I had the aptitude for, I learned how to drive the progress of my team and my project, managing up. I discovered that I was a natural leader, that I was process driven and I remembered that I was smart.

Then the pregnancy test came back positive. Not only did I have a fantastic job, but I was blessed with the prospect of starting a family. A few months later I came home to my husband, guiltily clasping his hand over the phone handset. 'The Other Women' as I came to address her, was a hiring manager from the other side of the country and she wanted to make us an offer we couldn't refuse.

And we couldn't.

After the baby was born I sat down with my boss and broke the news. I wasn't coming back to work.

I've had many blessings since then. I have a wonderful little boy, who brings me joy everyday. I live in a place where people vacation. I don't spend my nights awake worrying about money.

Life is almost perfect. Almost.

Soon we'll be celebrating the little guys third birthday. Its been a year since I was really serious about finding work. I had planned to return to work after his first birthday, but at first I only wanted to leave him for the perfect job. Then I was waiting until after the house hunting period was over and we were more settled. Now I am back to where I was after I moved to the US, my confidence is wavering and I can hear the tick-tock of my career clock counting down. Now it is not about the dream job, but about finding that feeling inside again. The feeling that I am contributing and using my talents. That I'm no longer on the outside.

A frest start to a fresh start.

Some time ago I had an idea for a blog. It was to create a place where I could list all the things that had made me happy that day. Such as how beautiful the mountains were looking, or what cute thing my little guy had done or said. But then something happened. Something as in nothing. I realised that, when I'm happy, the last thing I want to do is sit down on a computer and write about it.

It seems that, in reality, we get much more satisfaction from sharing our frustrations and worries, than our joy. That its easier to write a love song after a break-up than a hook up. So, in an attempt to avoid continuing with a blank blog page, I am going to use this space to share my experiences as someone on the outside, trying to get in.

On the outside. Unemployed.

I know I'm not alone in this journey. With the current economy, a lot of others have been left on the outside - probably, like me, spending their days hanging on to the idea that our big break could be just around the corner. Hopefully it is; and this blog will have a happy ending and I can go back to writers block....